Fact Set # 2
It doesn’t necessarily have to be a fire to set off an alarm.
The First United Methodist Church women’s group helped Mabel McCullough, of Tulsa, Okla., celebrate her 95th birthday by throwing her a party. When it was time to cut the carrot cake, lit with 95 candles McCullough, and with the help of others blew all the candles out. This created a big cloud of smoke, setting off the smoke alarm.
One of the guest Eddie Carlin said, “There wasn’t an inch to spare by the time we had them all lit, it looked liked a torch”. “We had just sat down to eat when we saw them in the doorway”. She’s referring to the 24 firefighters, who arrived in five engines and two ladder companies.
“In my 23 years on the job, I’ve seen a lot of things set off a fire alarm, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of one going off because of a birthday cake” said Fire Chief Lonnie Lamb. Though the fire fighters didn’t stay for cake, they did take photos with McCullough.
News Story # 5
Highway 101 in Sonoma County has been blocked by road crews.
A trucker was hauling apples from Marysville to Sebastopol, and lost control of his tractor this morning around 8:30 a.m. The tractor was connected to two flatbed trailers that held 24 full apple containers. Robert Urbins, 55, from French Camp, Calif., said that the flatbed began “whipping and scattering apples”, he was driving at 55 mph.
The mess severely impacted the morning commute, as you might expect. When the accident happened, there was a mist in the air that made the roads rather slick, which added to the hazard after the apples spilled. After speaking with California Highway Patrol officer Wayne Ziese, he said that road crews had blocked one northbound land of the Highway.
The crews arrived at 9:45 a.m, not expecting to clean up 10 tons of apples. The apples were all along the highway for about 200 to 300 feet on the pavement, as some of the fruit landed nearly 1,000 feet away along the shoulders and median strip. According to Ziese the apples had pilled up two feet high on the roadside. He simply said that “we’ve got applesauce all over the highway”.
In this very rare accident no one was injured, only a motor home that was following behind the flatbed truck sustained minor damages. Unfortunately, Urbins was given a citation that is likely to cost several hundreds dollars for the spilled load.
Ap Style Exercise
1) He hopes to make a billion dollars by the time he's forty. Already he figured his net worth is between $2 and $3 million, depending on the current stock prices. (3)
2) Ever since she joined the U.S. Navy on June 15, 2005 she has been a vocal proponent of naval practices and policies. (3)
3) It was a one-sided game, and he was a poor loser. After losing the play-off when his ball went out of bounds, he made an off-color remark that could be heard in the stands. (4)
4) Hundreds of people attended Sunday's race to watch 75 top bicyclists pedal across the finish line. (4)
5) Every summer the Jones' and the Kinneys' browse over travel brochures, planning their winter trip together. This year they're hoping to vacation in Panama City. (4)
6) The 5-year-old girl was born in Canton, OH, but now she reside in Fremont, Calif. (3)
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ReplyDelete1) 40, between $2 million and $3 million (-2)
2) June 15, 2005, (-1)
3) playoff (-1)
4) Good!
5) The Joneses (and Kinneys) are plural, not possessive. (See plurals/proper names in the AP Stylebook.) You can "pore over" or browse through. Which Panama City? There's more than one. (-2.5)
6) Ohio, "lives" is fine (-1)
12.5/20
Fact set 2:
ReplyDeleteI like your lead, but P2 bogs down: it takes too long to get to the point. P2/sentence 2 is too long and convoluted; makes it hard to follow. Comma placement needs work.
P3: Review quote format in the text. This isn't correct. Make each person's quote a separate paragraph.
One of the guests, Eddie Carlin said -- oops, you spelled her name wrong; that's a fact error.
0/15 - fact error, please revise
News Story #5
Not enough info in your lead. It's also off target. The news isn't that the road was blocked by road crews. It's that tons of spilled apples blocked the northbound lanes of the highway after a truck hauling apples lost its load.
P2/S3: This is a run-on sentence. It also contains another fact error. Urbins did say the flatbed began "whipping," but the part about scattering apples was not a direct quote ... so you can't make it one.
Tighten it up: Get rid of "As you might expect." You don't need to say After speaking with California Highway Patrol officer Wayne Ziese, he said .... Just say: California Highway Patrol officer Wayne Ziese said ...
How do you know what the crews were expecting? Don't make assumptions, or make stuff up. Stick to the facts.
Simplify:
“We’ve got applesauce all over the highway,” Zeiss said. (also, put punctuation inside quote)
No commentary allowed in news stories:
* "rare accident" -- how do you know whether it's rare or not?
* delete "unfortunately"
0/25 - fact error, please revise