Lead # 3
San Mateo County coroner announced that the woman who was found last month died from an accidental drowning at the golf course.
34 year old Jessica Smythe of Pacifica, body was found in Sharp Park by a local hiker. According to San Mateo county coroner Robert Foster, believes that Smythe death was not accidental. Foster said that her death was "consistent with fresh water drowning, associated with probable hypothermia" Smyhte also had methamphetmines in her system at the time of her death.
Lead # 4A
Northwest Airline jet, flight 428 evacuated forty passengers.
A landing tower employee at the La Crosse, Wisconsin airport spotted smoke near the wheels of the plane yesterday, following a flight from Minneapolis.
Lead # 4B
On thursday night a seven year old boy who had been missing for three years was found in Brick Township, N.J. A neighbor recognized the child's picture when it was shown on t.v. after the movie Adam: The Song Continues, and she then called the police.
Lead # 5A
Immediate I.D
Chevy Chase, actor and comedian was appointed to the college's board of trustees yesterday at the Bard college, Annadale-on-Hudson, N.Y. His appointment was announced at an alumni dinner during Homecoming week.
Delayed I.D.
Duane La Chance, 55, a pipe fitter employed by Gross Engineers based in Springfield, suffered third-degree burns and was listed in serious condition Wednesday night in intensive care unit.
Around 3:00 Wednesday afternoon Duane La Chance was installing new pipes on the roof of the power plant when he accidental touched a power line carrying 15,000 volts with a piece of angle iron.
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3) You're heading in the right direction with this, but I'd start the woman's cause of death, then attribute that information to the coroner.
ReplyDeleteA woman whose body was found at a public golf course last month died from accidental drowning, the San Mateo County coroner announced yesterday.
Jessica Smythe, 34, of Pacifica, was found in Sharp Park by .... (don't start a sentence with a numeral)
Oops, you have a fact error in this story. It says the coroner "believes that Smythe's death was not accidental." However, the fact set says it was accidental.
0/10 - correct the fact error (and other errors) to get credit
4a) Your lead sounds like a headline, not a sentence. Also, it's incorrect to say that an airplane evacuated people. The people were evacuated from the airplane. Combine your first and second sentences to make the lead. 5/10
4b) This one is better, but start with the missing boy, not when it happened, and combine your two sentences into one lead sentence. 8/10
5a) Good, but just say he was appointed to "the board of trustees at Bard College" not to "the college's board of trustees at Bard College." And put a comma after "comedian." 8.5/10
5b) You're right; this one should be a delayed ID lead because La Chance is not well known. However, you've written it as an immediate ID lead by using his name in the lead. Instead, your lead should say something like: A Springfied pipe fitter suffered third-degree burns yesterday when he accidentally touched a power line while working at Springfield Power Plant. 7.5/10